Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You made out with two different species that night
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
