I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I can text with my tongue
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
