I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
