I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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