please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
