so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
