I can text with my tongue
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
