somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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