I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
