I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
