Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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