just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
