I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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