i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
a search helicopter?!
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
