After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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