I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
