My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
