I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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