Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
