I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
