I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
