Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
