my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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