I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
