Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
