I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
