i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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