I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
His hands were made for my vagina.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
