There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
