my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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