Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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