i just had sex bonerless
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
