we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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