I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
