Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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