he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
