Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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