I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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