the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
