Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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