Can i not drive my cunt home
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
