I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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