I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
