Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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