we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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