btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
