I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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