Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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