I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
God, I missed his penis.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
