Cold hands, warm shart.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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