On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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