i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
