I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
