Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
