apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
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I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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