my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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