SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
