We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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